Introduction to a book I will never write

"The image of you standing atop Mt. Rushmore in your coonskin cap has been scared into my retinas like a cattle brand. I know we were seconds away from being nabbed by agents from half a dozen organizations with initials, but why did you jump off Lincoln's noggin with the diamonds?

You left me there to be tackled by a stout man from the ATF and a lovely woman from the FWS. They still write me, but do you?"